By Lori Welch Brown

As some of you may remember, I started in this space with a column aptly titled, Single Space. My close friends referred to me as their very own Carrie Bradshaw—without the great shoes, wardrobe, or size 0 ballerina body. Oh, and the good hair. Come to think of it—we did share a few commonalties. Namely, an appreciation for a long drag off a Marlboro light at the end of a stressful day, a good cocktail shared among friends, and a talent for picking unsuitable suitors.

Carrie and I both muddled through, learning valuable lessons as we aged out of wild club ragers and 4” stilettos and into Sunday brunches and Birkenstocks, but only after years and years of dating mishaps and mind boggling bewilderment. Did he really say that? Did I really get broken up with on a post it?

While Carrie was pining over Mr. Big, I was dating a lion’s share of BIG MISTAKES. One of my best first dates was with a married man. Of course, I didn’t know that until the next morning when his wife called my number and asked how I knew her husband. Awkward. And scary. I thought for a second that I was going to have a lead role in an upcoming Dateline episode.

This is probably not the Valentine’s Day column you wanted and/or expected, but I wanted to share with you that if you’re not getting a dozen roses delivered to your cubicle, do not despair. You are not alone. It’s just not your time. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your person is out there—maybe being ghosted or sorting through their issues or trying to figure out how to write a compelling dating profile.

In the meantime, here’s a little dating primer courtesy of yours truly. Feel free to swap out man/men/him with woman/women/her or whatever you choose.

1) People say and do stupid things. If doesn’t change even after you marry them. Prepare for it whether it’s your first date, second, or you’re newly engaged and/or at the point in your relationship where you are picking food out of each other’s teeth.

2) Do not make excuses for him to try to convince yourself that there’s a reason he hasn’t done what he said he was going to do. If a person loves you, they will move mountains to be with you. And they will do it with integrity.

3) Do not accept unacceptable behaviors. You deserve better—and it will not get better over time. A person is on their best behavior when they’re dating. If that behavior is unacceptable, run—don’t walk—to the nearest exit. As Dr. Maya Angelou so eloquently said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

4) Do not chase anyone. Maybe I’m old school, but trust me when I say that if you haven’t heard from the person you had a fabulous date with in a few days, do not text or call or email or strategically place yourself at the gym when you know he’s going to be there. Instead, take a breath. Call your girlfriends and go to happy hour or put on your running shoes. In other words, distract yourself.

5) Do not try to explain away other people’s bad behaviors. If you’re a kind, thoughtful, and caring person, it can be perplexing to cross paths with someone who either doesn’t acknowledge or reciprocate that behavior in kind. Eyes wide open.

6) Do not try to make anyone your pet project. Do not tell yourself that “If only he had a good woman showing him love and support, he would be able to find a job or stop acting that way or call his mother more (or less).” For the controlling among us, that is insulting to the other person. And as my therapist once told me, “He’s broken. You can’t fix him.” Not your job.

Maybe because I’m both a writer and an artist, I thought Suffering (with a capital S) was really what dating was all about. I had to put in the suffering in order to find my version of happily ever after. Queue the drama. Trust me when I say that it doesn’t have to be that way—in fact, it shouldn’t be that way at all.

I’m not saying any of this because I’m smart, or a relationship coach, or a therapist. I am saying it because I am d) none of the above. I’m the opposite. I did all the wrong things. I gave people my attention who didn’t deserve my attention. I twisted myself into knots trying to be someone I thought someone would like vs. being myself. I cried over people who didn’t deserve my tears.

But this probably shouldn’t be the subject of a Valentine’s Day column—a day of love.

Finding love should be the fun, easy part. But it’s not. It’s hard to meet people in this age of technology when everyone’s face is buried in their phones 24/7. Once you make the connection though, it should be relatively easy. Sure—you’re going to have to work through some kinks in the ‘getting to know each other’ department and the Compromise Department has a line out the door.

But…it shouldn’t feel like pain and suffering and disappointment and tears. It should feel easy and joyful and exciting and fun. That’s when you know you’ve found your person. The person who gets you. That’s what I found when I met XXL. There were no tears or unanswered texts or games. Maybe that’s because we were older and not only knew what we wanted—but we knew what we didn’t want (a married man!) and knew how we wanted another person to show up for us. And now we are ten years married, and I’m still clueless about love most days. But I’m figuring it out as I go, and I’m grateful for XXL for being patient with me and working on our version of happily ever after together. Which, btw, is really more akin to “I didn’t once think about killing you today.” Just kidding, XXL.

Romantic love is great, but so is the love you get from your tribe, i.e., your Samanthas, Mirandas, and Charlottes. I’m blessed with a great tribe—some have been around for decades and others I’ve met more recently through my art community, volunteering, and other hobbies that take me out into this big, beautiful world.

And let’s not forget puppy love. The love I have for my fur babies is off the charts. Nothing makes me happier than spending time with my babies. Poor XXL—he often gets the short end of the stick and the least amount of space in the bed. Good thing he loves us.

And, of course, there is the love you shower upon yourself which I hope you are doing in abundance this month. Buy yourself flowers. Take yourself out to a yummy dinner. Soak in a long bath. Treat yourself to the rich, delicious chocolate. Indulge and spoil yourself. You’re worth it.