“If you cannot trust your inner experience, how can you expect others to confirm it for you?” ~ Animal Voices, by Dawn Brunke. I read this quote first with a strong “HECK YEAH!” and now that I’m re-reading it with the intention of writing about it I’m thinking a little differently. My first, gut, (intuitive) reaction definitely comes from my inner truth. That truth, which is yours too, is about our connection to the Divine. It’s inherent. It doesn’t change no matter how silly, stubborn or mean-spirited I am. (Not that I’m ever mean spirited, this is hypothetical of course.) If, in my finer moments I can recognize the truth of myself, why is it that I go around looking for validation in my less than stellar moments? You, of course, don’t waste your time and energy asking your husband if your hair looks okay after you got it cut into that new, flirty ‘do. Nor do you spend excessive energy checking with your sister, mother, and BFF before you respond to that ridiculous email from your co-worker, do you? When I second-guess myself it’s because I don’t trust myself. It’s because I’m afraid and hanging out in fear in some area of my life. The examples about hair and emails are pretty benign, but they can be indicative of a deeper pattern. The first time you had a mean kid in kindergarten make fun of what you were wearing, or how you did your hair, was likely the first big hit to you believing in your innate goodness and truth. It hit hard. You were way too young to understand the fact that the mean-girl was really in a lot of pain and probably had a ton of people at home who were putting her down on a regular…
As a wee girl I had grand fantasies of being in the spotlight. At first I thought I’d be a famous ballerina, then a famous jockey, then the President of the United States. I wasn’t sure how it would happen, but I always wanted to be seen. I dreamed of being cast on my favorite sitcoms and variety shows, and before I was old enough to try out for the community theater I was staging productions in my basement. As the producer, director, set designer, lighting and sound technician, it’s hard to believe I also found time to star in the show! 40 years later and I’m still striving for that light. Now I’m a bit more pragmatic and recognize my strengths and outsource my challenges, but the fact remains, my Apollo stars, sitting smack dab below my ring fingers urge me to embrace the spotlight. Still, I grapple with that. I mean, even writing this now I’m wondering, “will they think I’m just a diva?” “Are people going to grumble and toss out the paper because they think I’m simply out for myself?” You see, here in America we have this weird love-hate thing with celebrities. Celebrities are the most obvious incarnation of those with strong Apollonian energy, but certainly that energy isn’t dormant in those of us who are not on the cover of People or Us magazine. We love celebrities because we love to imagine their lives – jetting off to the Italian coast whenever you need a break; wearing the most fascinating clothes, and my personal favorite – eating at some of the best, most innovative restaurants in the world! We hate celebrities because we think they’re full of themselves or unaware of what it’s like to be “regular” or because we’re jealous and don’t know…