By Lori Welch Brown

America—you are officially old! Two hundred and fifty years! Gosh—it seems like just yesterday, we were celebrating your 200th. I guess that also makes me officially old. Well done.

But seriously, you’re at the age when you need to start thinking about your future. Where do you want to be in another 250 years? Sadly, I won’t be here to assess, but you can’t put these big decisions off. Personally speaking, when you reach one of these monumental milestones, it’s good to pause, look at where you are, where you’ve been, and where you want to go. Are your current actions serving you? What are your goals? Have you achieved them? Is it time to change them and/or add new ones? Reflection is good, unless you’re a pool full of green slime.

You have a lot to be proud of—I mean, you did give us Jon Hamm after all. And Ryan Reynolds—I adore him. Oh, wait. That was Canada—he’s Canadian. Sorry. And then there’s that other Ryan. Ryan Gosling—who was spectacular in Project Hail Mary. What a gift. Amazeballs. Am I right? Oh wait. Sorry—that was Canada also. Well, thank you, Canada. Anyhow—Jon Hamm was an amazing feat, and I think I speak for all Americans when I say, we are VERY grateful and proud.

I jest, but you really have given us so many great things beyond baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, and Chevrolet. As Americans, we can boast about the availability of squatty potties, chia pets, wearable blankets, Crocs, stuffed pizza crusts, fried Oreos. Gosh. Our cups runneth over, not to mention our bellies.

Ok—still jesting. Seriously. America is still a pretty good darn place to be. Proud to be an American. It is a privilege and an honor that none of us should take lightly—especially given the fact that soooo many men and women serve to protect our freedom and independence. Every minute of every day. While we sleep. While we work. While we eat those fried Oreos. Even when we are on our squatty potties. For that, I am beyond grateful. And likely ignorant and clueless to what goes on behind the scenes to allow me the freedoms I take for granted every day.

Sure—there have been some growing pains—I don’t care how you slice it, aging is not without pain. Pain in the joints. Pain in the House and Senate. I get it—I’m turning 60 this year. Sometimes I realize I’m still doing the same ol’ stupid crap that I have been doing for the last few decades and it isn’t serving me well. I’ve had to look at friendships/relationships, my own actions and ask difficult questions—the most primary of which is WHAT THE EVERLOVIN’ TARNATION AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? But other than that, I think things are on the right track, give or take 20 pounds and a few too many Amazon deliveries.

If I’m being honest, America, this aging thing isn’t for sissies. I mean, don’t even get me started on menopause. Clearly, you are experiencing some of these mood shifts, brain fog, and hot flashes. One can only assume that is how we ended up with The Donald, but from one woman to another, you really need to pull it together. Maybe some hormone replacement therapy is in order STAT. If I’m being honest, this administration feels like one big chin hair that we are all being forced to stare at for four years. Pluck that thing already.

I know—it’s embarrassing and difficult to talk about, but if not now, when? Actually—menopause is a pretty hot topic (pardon the pun) these days. I mean, Melinda French Gates just donated $215 million so that men can stop referring to us as crazy, irrational, sensitive, and emotional. I’ll take that over a stupid computer system any day. Seriously, Bill. What have you done for us lately? Women used to be tethered to their kitchens. Now thanks to you and the boys over at Apple we are tethered to our kitchens, kids, and computers. Well done, gentlemen.

America—we are truly all in this together with you. We want you to age gracefully, with dignity and class. Think HRH The Princess of Wales Kate vs. any Kardashian. Think Diane Keaton vs. Lauren Sanchez Bezos. Who doesn’t love a good turtleneck and some neutrals? Coastal grandma is IN, girl. Trust me, I tossed my mini-skirts and thongs when I tossed my feminine hygiene products. Sadly, they were replaced by leakproof panties and hair removal products, but own it. This is your era.

As we age, our outer beauty may fade in other’s eyes, but I think we need to trust our own eyes. Europe is a great example. In Italy for example, things are old. I mean really old. Architecture. Art. Monuments. Everything is ancient. And it has only gotten more beautiful with time. People are still flocking in droves to wander their cobblestone streets and marvel at their beauty. In comparison, we are mere babies, right? Two hundred and fifty is the new hundred. Sixty is the new forty by European standards and that works for me as long as you don’t make me learn the metric system.

As we move forward into our next decade, let’s focus on our inner beauty. Our majesty. Our grace. Let’s put our mistakes behind us and move forward with our heads held high and our chin hairs plucked.

Happy 4th of July and Happy 250th, America! WE LOVE YOU!

About the Author: Lori is a local writer, painter and pet lover who loves to share her experiences and expertise with our readers. She has been penning a column for the OTC for over 25 years. Please follow Lori online on Medium for more missives like this.