By Lori Welch

Upgrade Available: iNY v.2018

The last of the sugar cookies have been eaten, and the decorations stored away. The holiday presents have been stuffed into their respective drawers, closets and cupboards. The Amazon deliveries are back down to a respectable three times a week vs. 19 times a day. Sigh. Another year has bid us adieu, but as much as we hate goodbyes, oh how we love a fresh slate on which to pin our hopes and aspirations—especially of a slimmer, happier and better version of ourselves. But hey! What was wrong with the 2017 version of me? Bah humbug. After 12 months of too many carbs coupled with too much caffeine and alcohol, the ol’ internal operating system (aka IOS) had slowed down to a crawl. Excessive cursing, judging and gossiping had begun to corrupt the processing files, and let’s face it—last year’s CPU is a dinosaur. Yes, my dear, an update is in order, but what will be different? Will I recognize this better version of myself or will the changes be subtle? The same, but slightly sleeker? Similar, but faster? Thank goodness that every January, we are able to download the latest, greatest version of ourselves. Welcome to iNY v.2018.

Lori iNY v.2018 will be slimmer, streamlined and operate at peak levels. Due to her new, improved IOS, she will be faster, have more bandwidth, and should be at peak performance once the initial bugs are worked out. Lori iNY v.2018 won’t require carbs or gluten and will automatically recharge when plugged into any gym or yoga studio. She will no longer be able to access four-letter files or apps that require anger or jealousy to open as those apps take up too much storage space and slow the system down exponentially. Warning: Lori iNY v. 2018 will experience weakened service levels if exposed to sugar or alcohol.

In order to achieve peak performance, the following maintenance program is encouraged:

• Meditate every morning for 15 minutes (this will help to clean out old, repetitive and non-essential files).

• Air out the IOS by taking it for a daily walk.

• Expand the .GRAT file by opening a gratitude log and recording things you are grateful for each day.

• Delete extra sugar from your file intake to speed up the search engines.

• Expand your network by reaching out to one friend a week via phone or handwritten note.

• Run a daily diagnostic check by stretching for 15 minutes upon waking every morning.

• Clean your external drive by abstaining from more than 2 units of alcohol per day.

• Eliminate viruses and bugs by drinking a green smoothie once a day.

• Increase storage space by deleting past resentment and hurt files.

• Download .joy apps by helping fellow users with their maintenance programs—especially those with older versions.

• Text “IMGRATEFUL” every day to someone in your contact list to enhance performance.

• Eliminate social media apps and/or restrict usage to 15 minutes per day.

• If the IOS still feels sluggish, clean out a closet and organize your pantry.

• Be sure to put aside your device for a minimum of one hour each day to recharge.

Whatever version you are working with, just remember to be good to yourself in 2018! Happy New Year and best wishes for health, happiness, joy and love.